In an absolute bombshell first reported by The Glorious American, Justice Brett Kavanaugh has gone on the record explaining how the large, black robes worn by Supreme Court members have hindered his longtime passion of exposing his genitalia to unsuspecting women.
“Ahhh! The heck with this thing!” a fuming Kavanaugh said pulling and grabbing at the large robe. “I’m literally seeing dozens of women walk by and I’m having the darndest time whipping out the ol’ gavel! This huge bed sheet thing is only slowing me down!” he screamed.
The interview was not useable as Justice Kavanaugh only chain-smoked and yelled obscenities the whole time. Eventually, after he ran out of cigarettes, the judge offered to overturn Citizens United in exchange for a pack of Marlboros.
“What can I say? I’m a Marlboro man! YEAAAAA!!” he said instinctively trying to flash our crew only to be prevented by the huge robe. “DAMN IT! This Thing!” he screamed.
Update: The Glorious American has learned that none of this happened. We regret the error.