Over the weekend, fictional President Joe Biden set the ambitious goal of bringing the nation’s murder rate to pre-Black Lives Matter levels.
Making the announcement in front of a burnt-down Target in Wisconsin, Biden again dazzled with his oratory skills.
“My fellow Filipinos, have you seen the graph, for [explicit] sake? There’s like…a red line going like this [hand gesture pointing up] and it says you’re all gonna die,” Joe whispered. “That line scares me and it should scare you! I want that line gone!”
Just then Hunter Biden sprang to his feet. “A line? I’ll take care of it, pops! Where is it?” he yelled.
Sensing the speech was going off the rails, White House officials shot an adrenaline-filled dart into Joe Biden’s neck and the press conference continued.
“Now, I’m told that BLT has something to do with this spike in murders,” Biden continued. “And that makes sense. Who among us hasn’t killed someone over a tasty BLT sandwich? C’mon, show of hands.”
After Hunter yelled, “Not me, Dad! It was Filet-O-Fish!” he was asked to leave.
Despite dozens of attempts to clarify, Biden insisted on signing a bill that gives violent, mostly peaceful criminals $4.2 trillion to study the effects BLT sandwiches have on their insatiable desire to murder.
Update: BLM leaders are praising Joe Biden for finding a creative way to give them $4.2 trillion.