Order has been restored in the Capitol building parking garage after Joe Biden ordered hamster feeders be installed for the National Guardsmen. Also, as a thank you for risking their lives for our country, a large exercise wheel was assembled.
The 45,000 troops were brought to DC to make sure Biden didn’t wander off before he could be sworn in. After the inauguration concluded, many Washington Democrats felt uneasy with the soldiers, claiming they “reeked of law and order.”
“President Biden’s heart is so big, he is even considering laying some newspaper down so our soldiers can go poo-poo with dignity,” press secretary, Jen Psaki explained. “Unfortunately, we will be keeping them in their cage because we might need more photo ops later.”
Biden did send an apology letter to the National Guard chief, but it appears it was the generic one he sends out to everybody.
“It just said, ‘Sorry for sniffing your child,’” the annoyed chief reported.
Update: Should all of the soldiers denounce their support for Donald Trump, Biden will consider installing a series of tubes for them to crawl around inside.