The Biden administration is working on a digital ‘passport’ for citizens who have been given clearance to touch their face, a White House source confirmed Monday.
“Many Americans have gone over twelve months without touching their face and we need to reward them,” Jen Psaki said. “Businesses, restaurants, and sporting events do not want neanderthals wandering around their property scratching their face and picking their ears.”
During the White House unveiling of the new passport, an American who had recently been cleared to touch her face was brought up on stage to demo the app.
“Ok, folks. So we see this…thing… up here,” Psaki said pointing to the homely volunteer. “They’ve been a good citizen and not touched their face during the entire pandemic. We can tell because of the massive unibrow and large unpopped zits.”
Using her unique QR code, the horrible woman demonstrated how, at long last, she was able to touch her face.
As the woman’s hand slowly began to rise towards her head, many members of the press began to squirm and dry heave.
“Ya know what? Let’s not,” Psaki quickly said stopping her. “Face touching should really be a private thing. Why don’t you go.”
Before the woman was escorted off the stage, she was encouraged to clean and wipe her face thoroughly.
“What, with like a cloth?” she groaned.
Update: Hillary was thrown out onto the White House lawn and asked not to return.