Earlier in the week, it was reported that the Portland Antifa group was seen burning Bibles. That was false. Portland has not allowed Bibles within city limits for over a decade. We can confirm that the terrorist group did, however, gather up all copies of Dale Carnegie’s How to win friends and influence people and promptly burned them to a crisp.
“We don’t need this!” a protestor yelled chucking another copy onto the flames. “We’re Antifa! We’re loved by everyone! America’s sweethearts…right, you guys?!”
Then, after giving a primal scream, another Antifa member offered his thoughts.
“Let me teach ol’ white-guy, Dale Carnegie something. If you want to influence people, all you have to do is oversample the people who already approve of you by double digits. That’s what Biden is doing–and look at his poll numbers!”
It was George Soros who stumbled upon the first few chapters of the famous self-help book and immediately emailed his troops to have the book burned at once.
An early section of the book instructs people not to criticize, condemn, or complain to others. This advice nearly sent Soros into cardiac arrest. Several hours later, the proud Antifa founder tried to read more of the book but the second section began with instructions to “smile” (something Soros has had a strict policy against since the early’60s).
“I don’t have to smile! I have a note!” he yelled before collapsing into a coma.