Just days after Andrew Cuomo was accused of sexual assault, the governor somehow announced the release of his book, Above Reproach: How To Never Be Accused Of Sexual Assault.
“Cuomo’s latest gem will masterfully explain how he shouldn’t ever be accused of assaulting women. He keeps his female staffers as safe, if not safer than he did the elderly folks in nursing homes,” the New York Times wrote, proclaiming it an instant bestseller.
CNN was so excited to interview the governor on the new book that they bumped a taped interview of the two-dozen women detailing Cuomo’s attacks on them.
“I read the book, big bro. It rocked my world harder than that chick you forced to date me,” CNN’s Chris Cuomo said. “But I’ve gotta say, you sure won’t be accused of sexual assault any time soon. I mean, you wrote a whole book saying you’re innocent!”
“You’re so right, bother. It’s science,” the governor replied. “As I outline in chapter two, you gotta try to get each female alone. Especially the full-figured gals. And you must place your hands on their shoulders, look them deeply in the eye, and whisper, ‘relax toots,’ in their ear. It stops them from being all hysterical and accusatory. Works every time.”
Update: The paperback will soon be available which features the governor’s bonus chapter, How to Demand the Perfect Office Backrub.