As Hillary Clinton once said, “It takes a village” to keep Bill from molesting his staff. Unfortunately, the Biden family is learning it will take far more manpower to keep Hunter out of trouble.
So on Monday, the White House asked the Air Force, Army, Coast Guard, Marine Corps, Navy, and Space Force if they wouldn’t mind working around the clock to stop Hunter Biden’s lawless rampages.
The decision came after a particularly low-key weekend for the President’s son. On Saturday alone, Hunter totaled four vehicles (Two in Los Angeles and two in Florida), shaved a mountain lion at Area 51, and sold the Louisiana Purchase back to France for a briefcase full of cocaine and a Cheesy Gordita Crunch.
“Kids!” Joe Biden said to the press while shrugging. “There are literally thousands of parents hearing my voice whose child has been warned to stop shaving big cats by the authorities and errrrrr. Whaaa? Oh. I’ve said too much.”
“This is a temporary measure that will end when Hunter’s lifestyle inevitably makes him a paraplegic or vegetable,” Jen Psaki said. “Left unattended, Hunter could be a national security threat, or worse, he could end up like Don Jr.”
Update: Critics believe redirecting over $800 billion towards babysitting the President’s son while leaving America vulnerable to all threats is irresponsible. Those white supremacists have been rounded up and charged with treason.