After the nation learned that President Trump has been lowering himself into a tub of Purell each night, many Americans feel it is “excessive”.
“I would say your favorite president needs the sweet burn of health,” Trump explained. “I need to be in tip-top shape so yes, I ask Melania to pour 82 bottles of Purell in the tub and I use the foamy version to lather up my hair.”
Trump seemed to subdue most of the criticism after reminding the press that if submerging oneself into 80% pure alcohol was a crime, Nancy Pelosi would be serving a life sentence.
During his comments, the market began to surge after the president explained he plans on turning on the jets for this evening’s Purell bath. When Trump promised to be the “shiniest, most sterile president since Bob McKinley”, the Dow Jones jumped 1,130 points.