On Monday, President Donald Trump put Dwight in charge of healthcare. This comes as a surprise to many as the Scranton paper salesman lacks experience in both medicine and policy writing. Yet Trump seemed undeterred when introducing the new director of Health and Human Services. “Dwight will do a fantastic job, that I know for sure,” said the President.
Dwight will be using the Hubert Humphrey Building as a temporary workspace as he decides what medical services the nation’s healthcare providers will offer.
Following his introduction, Dwight provided some insight as to how he will run the department of HHS.
“Every American citizen will be FORCED to write down what ails you,” Dwight said pounding the podium. “You will turn that in to your local library or DMV, but don’t get your hopes up people. The days of being coddled by modern medicine are mostly over.”
According to Dwight, the logo for HHS will be immediately changed from a dove to a bear attacking a sick person. “Because there is no better symbol for how healthcare should work and WILL work from now on,” explained Dwight.
As more Americans learn the details of Dwight’s healthcare plan, the more unpopular it gets. Withholding medicine to naturally boost people’s antibodies is polling particularly poorly. Upon hearing Dwight’s healthcare plan only had a 7% approval rating, President Trump yelled “Oh, come on! Dwight!” before fleeing into Marine One.
UPDATE: The Glorious American has confirmed that under Dwight’s program, treatment for anal fissures will absolutely not be covered.
Give Us Story Ideas
