NEW YORK, NY — In a groundbreaking move, the NBA has announced the implementation of an extra timeout specifically designed to address the wave of mostly peaceful heart attacks their players will be having in the 2023-2024 season.
Unlike traditional timeouts, a coach will be granted this stoppage of play by screaming, “HELP! WE’RE HAVING ANOTHER COINCIDENCE OVER HERE!” During the timeout, medical professionals can furiously try to revive the athlete while the coaching staff can design plays and strategies for their respective teams.
“I love Commissioner Adam Silver because he’s so forward-looking. And he sees dozens of heart attacks coming,” coach Gregg Popovich said while receiving his seventh booster shot. “Having a healthy league is so important to him.”
While many praise the new timeout, all-star dribbler and notable high school graduate LeBron James is raising questions about the phrase ‘cardiac arrest.’
“My people have had enough arrests. These are unsafe words,” James said. “We need safety now more than ever. Which is why I love covid vaccine.”
Update: Medical officials are warning that thousands of NBA fans doing ‘the wave’ may actually be a series of rolling heart attacks in the stands.
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