When a global pandemic hits, Americans know two things: One, buy all the toilet paper. Two, destroy your 401k by selling all stock in stable companies. But aside from those two bedrocks of truth, many Americans are left searching for answers.
Michael Moore is here to help. Speaking at Detroit’s Mustard Stains Of America conference, the brilliant mind offered up this gem:
“You guys, it’s simple! You want to get through this virus thing alive?” Moore asked before quickly biting into a Cinnabon and making the audience wait in awkward silence for over a minute before continuing. “Then you gotta be extra mindful of your health! Like me! You gotta take pride in your personal hygiene—like I do!”
Then Michael Moore leaned towards the audience and gave them an intense look.
“And the most important thing I’ll say about keeping and maintaining a healthy body like mine is this…”
But suddenly the filmmaker sprung to his feet and waddled off the stage while muttering curse words. The crowd was confused and desperate to hear his ultimate health secret. Minutes later, an MC addressed the restless audience:
“As he so often does, Mr. Moore has soiled himself. He is currently being hosed down in the back. This concludes our evening’s events.”