A medical examiner and former Clinton aid has ruled that accused sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein definitely committed suicide using a cotton ball and some pocket lint.
“Oh yeah. I’ve seen this a hundred times,” said the examiner. “Actually, thousands of times now that I think about it.”
The official autopsy report suffered an unusual delay as the warden agreed to have the DNC proofread it.
“What? You want that report to have typos? No way,” the warden told The Glorious American. “Best to let the DNC catch any grammatical errors.”
The report explains that after the prison removed Epstein’s cellmate, it was nap time for the guards. Then the security cameras malfunctioned precisely when Epstein located a small cotton ball and a piece of pocket lint. “Then—Boom! He killed himself!” the autopsy reads.