Using a series of turkey basters, funnels, and a bicycle pump, a Boston area man had all his blood drained from his body. It was then refilled with pure Johnson & Johnson vaccine liquid.
Because pharmaceutical companies do not reap any profit from blood, many are predicting hemadrainaswapectomies will become more common.
“There’s a name for draining three gallons of blood from a patient. It’s called Science,” an annoyed Fauci said. “You see, the body is like a little warehouse. A warehouse capable of storing inventory. With all that stupid blood, there’s very little room for the fantastic products pharmaceutical companies want to shove in there.”
The hemadrainaswapectomy was voluntarily performed on 68-year-old Lewis McCattle and he woke up screaming in agony. “This is fire! I am in hell! Is this COVID? Kill me again!” Mr. McCattle yelled thrashing about (a very mild and common effect).
The hospital found his haunting screams a little much and opted to replace a third of his body with morphine. This allowed McCattle to calm down and speak to the press.
“It hurts because people on Fox News are saying I did something unsafe,” he said. “The doctor said the pain is actually because I replaced my nutrient-rich blood with an experimental substance, but I’m pretty sure Fox News is why I hurt.”
Just then, Fauci ran in from of the camera and cheerfully reported Mr. McCattle would need ten or twelve ‘tincy wincy’ booster shots.
Update: This procedure will now be mandated for everyone in six weeks.
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