After a hard-fought battle, Gavin Newsom’s legal team was handed a huge victory from a California judge over the weekend.
For months, Newsom has argued that each and every pile of street poop should be viewed as an endorsement of his handy work of the golden state.
“Under my leadership, millions of Californians have turned to a more progressive lifestyle. One where they’re not bogged down with indoor plumbing, air conditioning, and certainly not paper ballots,” Newsom told the press at a Sacramento courthouse. “When a taxpayer hears the plop of a dookie on the sidewalk in front of their house, I only hear a splattering plea for four more years.”
In his 2018 election, Newsom won with 7.7 million votes. “But now that piles of poop count, he’ll get that on Fisherman’s Wharf alone,” a Republican strategist nervously commented. “Even more concerning, we hear the Newsom campaign is planning a free ‘spicy fajita’ give away on Election Day. Just think of the massacre.”
Update: California GOP officials are desperate to back up this new stream of voting and were caught passing out blocks of cheese to the homeless community. They have been charged with voter suppression.