New York Mayor, Bill de Blasio was heard whispering, “I’ve made a huge mistake” from his hospital bed after receiving an overly aggressive colonoscopy from members of the National Guard.
“I know we fired a ton of medical professionals, but they didn’t have to shove an old handheld video camera up there,” he muttered.
De Blasio’s procedure lasted over five hours and nine Army members were needed to hold him down.
“We’ve seen combat before, but this was different. It was like trying to hold down Big Bird,” a soldier said. “We keep telling ourselves, De Blasio’s butt is a cave in Pakistan and any suspicious-looking polyps were Bin Laden.”
The men opted to not use any anesthetics because they couldn’t find any. The procedure went forward once the soldiers found a Sony Handycam and a large tub of butter from Costco.
Many believe De Blasio invited this hardship on himself by not standing up for the now fired doctors and nurses.
“I do stand with our front-line health care workers!” the mayor snapped. “It’s just… I won’t be standing for anything anymore. Not for a long, long time. It’s an absolute wreck down there. And this next part will be off the record. Got it? OK. I will never produce an audible fart ever again.”
Update: The National Guard members were so emotionally damaged following the gruesome procedure, several of them were given free houses from the Tunnel to Towers Foundation.
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