On Monday, California Governor, Gavin Newsom tried to raise his national profile by insisting the rest of the country maintain ultra-high sanitary standards like his home state. Unfortunately, Newsom accidentally delivered the speech while standing ankle-deep in world-famous San Francisco street poop.
“What this administration has done in terms of health and sanitary standards is appalling,” Newsom began. “I’ll be frank, it’s absolutely disgusting.”
But when the governor attempted to step towards his large sign reading “Be Safe, Be Sanitary,” Newsom’s feet were securely stuck.
“Oh.” He said looking down. “It appears I’ve become consumed by California quicksand, I believe.”
“THAT’S NOT QUICKSAND—IT’S POOP!” yelled one of the cameramen standing over forty feet from the governor. “WHY DO YOU THINK WE’RE STANDING THIS FAR AWAY FROM YOU?!”
“I thought you were social distancing!” Newsom yelled back as panic began to sink in.
Trying to salvage the PSA and not throw up, Newsom focused all his energy on the message he still believed America needed to hear.
“Would you look at what Donald Trump has done now?” he said looking down at his feet. “San Franciscans have become so worried about their health and safety, it appears they’ve all evacuate their bowels in some type of brave, beautiful protest.”
As the horrid stench began to make his eyes water, the ever-politically savvy governor delivered the perfect line as tears began streaming down his face.
“It’s piles like this that make me so proud to be a liberal progressive.”