Dr. Fauci Reminds Americans To Wash Their Brains Twice A Day

Dr. Fauci Reminds Americans To Wash Their Brains Twice A Day

When Anthony Fauci is not getting assaulted by Dr. Rand Paul, he’s always dishing out helpful advice. On Tuesday, the brilliant doctor reminded all Americans to thoroughly wash their brains.

“The science told me personally that everyone should be washing their brain two, perhaps three times a day. And watching CNN is a great start,” Fauci told the network. “In fact, Science sent me an email that said perhaps it’s a good idea for everyone, over the age of birth, to actually remove your entire immune system and scrub that down too. Either have it dry cleaned or with an old-timey washboard.”

Yet despite Fauci’s suggestion, some Americans are refusing their daily brain washings.

“I don’t want to have my skull cut open and my brain massaged with Dove soap because I feel I should give my immune system a chance against a virus with a 99.9909% survival rate, ya know?” said a local conspiracy theorist eating a granola bar–a food most commonly consumed by horses.

When Fauci was asked if society could survive with so many anti-brain washers, he eloquently and succinctly issued the following statement:

“Possibly, in theory, one could potentially conceive of a chance that assuming you’re outside and masked we can consider, in the rarest of circumstances, I can just stay seated here and be on the next CNN show too?”

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