Despite the data showing the Cleveland Browns played some of the worst football imaginable last year, Dr. Anthony Fauci made a surprising claim about their performance.
“After carefully reviewing the data, I believe the Cleveland Browns handled the 2019 season the best,” Fauci told the media. “It was touch-and-go early, but after the dust settled on the season, we’re all left admiring how skillfully the Browns navigated their way to another super bowl win.”
Fox News’ John Roberts then challenged the doctor by saying the Browns were actually in a league-worst 16-year playoff drought. He also added that, due to their horrid on-field play, Ohio area cable and satellite providers had replaced many of their games with reruns of Touched by an Angel.
“No. That’s incorrect. The Browns clearly lead the way for all other NFL teams to follow” Fauci mumbled. “Just ask the ol’ dawg pound–they’ll tell you.”
Then, in what’s now commonplace at a Fauci press conference, Senator Rand Paul jumped up on a table and screamed, “Again! Complete and total bull [explicit] from this quack! The facts prove that the Kansas City Chiefs won the Super Bowl!”
“I can respect the Senator’s passion,” Fauci replied. “But I just explain what MSNBC tells me—I mean, where the science leads me. Secondly, because you were so mean to me just now, I’m saying the data shows no school for Kentucky kids this year.”
“WHAT?! Are you guys hearing this man? Why does everyone think he’s so smart?! Paul screamed in exasperation.
“Keep it up and you’ll lose school in 2022 too,” Fauci warned.