WASHINGTON, DC — When famed pharmaceutical rep Anthony Fauci heard that 19-year-old Colton Lewis was walking through a Target without a mask, the salesman prepared himself to deliver a tough conversation with the young man.
Colton, still at the Target store when Fauci arrived, was approached by the doctor.
“Excuse me, Colton? Can you please step into my office?” Fauci said as the boy passed by. “I have your results.”
“Results? What the…Hey, you’re that comedian doctor who gets everything wrong,” a stunned Colton said. “And this is a Target break room, not a hospital.”
“Just take a seat, Mr. Lewis,” Fauci sternly said. “We’ve seen you gallivanting around town without a mask, and because of that, I’ve got some rather devastating news. Please brace yourself for what I’m about to say.”
“Umm, should I go?” said the voice of a young lady.
“No, Ashley. You still have 10 minutes left of your break, you’re fine,” Fauci replied.
“Anyways, Colton. I’m afraid your recklessness has given you a terrifying death sentence. You have contracted the deadly Omicron variant. You now only have 68 years to live. Might be longer, but you should start getting your affairs in order,” the doctor informed.
Colton, taken aback then asked, “Wait, how long do humans normally live?”
Fauci laughed and said, “Ya know what? That’s a fascinating question. I actually have no idea! Frankly, I’ve never given it much thought.”
Update: Colton opted to take the COVID vaccine, and once he regained consciousness, was informed that he had six weeks to live.
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