“It was a touching scene tonight in Minneapolis as thousands of peaceful protesters lent a helping hand in the effort to keep small businesses closed,” CNN’s Don Lemon cheerfully reported.
The protestors used the little-known technique of burning all the stores to the ground to accomplish this noble goal. Despite many Americans disagreeing with this method, experts are saying what they’ve done is, by far, the most scientifically proven way to prevent the owners from opening up their doors.
The folks at CNN also marveled at the environmentally mindful deeds from the protesters. “Would you look at that?” Chris Cuomo asked in amazement. “What they’re doing is choosing to not use the energy-guzzling streetlamps. But rather, they’ve found a way to light-up the city with fire—eerrr, with something more resourceful.”
Then minutes later, Lemon carefully squinted his eyes and pointed at the TV screen. “Zoom in on that guy!” he yelled to his producers. “He’s… he’s OPENING up his business!”
As it turned out, Lemon’s watchful eye was correct. It was, in fact, a local business owner entering his storefront. “THAT’S ILLEGAL BEHAVIOR!” Lemon screamed.
Update: Several vigilante-minded CNN cameramen apprehended the reckless man and opted to toss him into a nearby fire. “I’m glad you guys did that,” Lemon said on-air. “We cannot have the fabric of society crumble because unruly people act selfishly.”