Everyone who watched CNN yesterday had a feeling of great panic and hopelessness sweep over them as the network showed a chyron that read: “Trump asks coronavirus task force to give up.”
“Oh, GRACIOUS NO!” Brian Seltzer screamed at the camera. “Would you look at what that says on the screen?! It basically says—Trump has sentenced the world to death. WHICH IS ONE OF THE WORST THINGS HE’S DONE LATELY! I mean, you can read it for yourself. WHY?!” he bawled while fake crying into his hands, occasionally looking up to be sure the network crew was watching him.
Despite Seltzer’s antics, it was soon learned that President Trump really asked for his task force to “give an update—not “give up”. Thankfully, about 90% of the viewers were airport janitorial workers. Even better, none of those workers believed it.
“No, all airport staff is specifically instructed not to believe anything we see on those monitors. We’re taught that on our first day,” Hal Schafer of Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport told The Glorious American. “When we saw CNN report Trump had ‘given up’, we all got that warm feeling of comfort knowing Trump was at the helm. It sure is nice working at a job that allows us to be informed all day.