IRVINE, CA — After a 2.3 billion dollar ad campaign and demanding millions of Americans shove one down their gullet, Taco Bell is thrilled to announce that their BeanBlaster Supreme™ has been approved for human consumption by the CDC.
“Individuals ranging from four through thirty-five years of age can now safely put our delicious BeanBlaster Supremes™ directly into your body, assuming you’re within six feet of a toilet,” CDC Director Dr. Rochelle Walensky announced Wednesday. “For the love of God, please do not check with your doctor first.”
“Obviously, this now means the millions of Americans who haven’t eaten a BeanBlaster Supreme™ must, by force, ingest one,” Joe Biden announced. “From this day forward, you are free to do as Taco Bell says. And we will have no patience for the anti-blaster™ community and their dangerous conspiracy theories about people pooping their pants due to this product.”
Despite the shiny seal of approval and Fox News demanding proof that each of their employees eats one, some anti-blasters™ are still hesitant.
“Yeah, Taco Bell’s approval was not why I wasn’t eating BeanBlasters,” a reckless citizen said. “I just still have a lot of questions, ya know? My uncle ate one, and he sharted so severely, he had to be hosed down for over four hours.”
Update: It’s been learned that BeanBlaster Supremes™ only linger in your system and the surrounding air for 40 minutes. So boosters, or ‘Lil’ Booty Blasters™,’ will soon become mandatory.
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