NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—On Wednesday, Johnson & Johnson CEO Joaquin Duato was one of several big pharma CEOs spotted combing through a New Jersey area Walgreens hoping to buy 22 million ‘Sorry We Gave Everyone Blood Clots’ Greeting Cards.
“If we don’t mail these out, the shee—I mean, human people will be furious with us. Without these cards, what’s left of their blood will boil,” he told the Walgreens clerk. “You must help, or we’ll be forced to deal with our angry customers for another eight months—give or take.”
To his surprise, the drugstore didn’t stock the card he was demanding.
“We actually have one where a pickle is saying: ‘What you don’t know about the MRNA Vaccine is kind of a big DILL,’” the clerk explained to no avail.
Walgreens staff even showed Joaquin their little-known card of a swollen heart saying: “Next Time Aorta Do My Own Research!” but that wouldn’t work either.
Update: Ten minutes later, the CEO of Pfizer walked into the same Walgreens and purchased 578 million: “Sorry, NOT SORRY, We Gave Everyone Blood Clots” cards.
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