After losing his restaurant and life savings, Doug Larson’s only source of joy these days is watching nurses and doctors dance around in empty hospitals.
“Oh, great. Here’s another one,” Doug said while scrolling through his social media. “This is just freaking great. Freaking fantastic. Unbelievable!”
But it was believable. And Doug’s dead-pan amusement is being shared by everyone who now has nothing to do but watch carefully choreographed dance routines by medical professionals.
Doug, who has an odd way of expressing his joy, threw his phone against the wall immediately after screaming, “I lost my life’s work to ‘slow the spread,’ and now I’m stuck watching these clowns dance around like monkeys! This is a real barrel of laughs!”
Doug’s unemployment office has informed him his only two career opportunities are as a Planned Parenthood receptionist or CNN primetime host.
As the former restaurant owner grapples with the irony of no longer being able to feed his family, the word on the street is that a dozen nurses in Dallas have a real treat coming his way. “We’ve almost perfected a version of the Macarena using a slip and slide and two ponies,” said a nurse on her Facebook feed. “Just what Americans really need right now!”
Update: In a profanity-laced email, Doug Larson has informed us he was being sarcastic.