If you were one of the 80 people who watched the Oscars, you probably remember Joaquin Phoenix’s fiery anti-dairy speech:
“First we take the cow’s milk! And then we take that milk which was intended for their baby calf and we defile our fruity pebbles with it! And we also use it for our cereal!” Phoenix yelled to a confused theater.
Much of the world didn’t even know an ‘anti-dairy’ movement existed. That is until a certain group made an accusation that rocked the political world.
According to the group Hands Off Our Tits (or H.O.O.T.), farmers are routinely abusing cows all over the countryside while screaming “This is MAGA country!”
As the nation heard this chilling accusation from HOOT, schools were canceled and the flag will be at half-mast until more answers can be learned.
When reached for comment, all the farmers told The Glorious American they yell nothing at the cow during the milking process as they find it unsettling.
“Ah-ha! So they admit to the abusing part!” Joaquin Phoenix quickly tweeted.
Update: HOOT has hired Gloria Allred to represent them in a lawsuit that will end all milk products except: cheese, yogurt and ice cream. Scientists assume a substitute for dairy can be made from squirrels but so far have been unable to capture one for testing.