The Babylon Bee announced Monday that it would require all fans and Snopes fact-checkers to be “100% vaccinated” two weeks before clicking on any of their articles.
“We don’t want a bunch of unclean thumbs scrolling around on our site,” CEO, Seth Dillon said. “We know our demo very well. If there was ever a bunch that could spread COVID through a smartphone–It’d be them. But it’s not just about the thumbs. It’s also the thought of their yucky eyeballs darting around. We just won’t have it.”
So far the decision has been unpopular to many of their fans. Especially their choice to only give religious exceptions to Mormons.
“Aw, darn it! I can’t believe The Babylon Bee is making me give them my V-card before I read their story!” frustrated homeschooler, Jedediah Swanson yelled into his dial-up desktop computer.
Sadly for Jedediah and many others, since no alternative satire sites exist, hundreds of thousands of conservatives will have no choice but to get the jab.
Update: While it was assumed that fully vaccinated people could browse right-wing comedy sites at low risk, over half a million Bee users have still managed to contract COVID. Those who didn’t make it have elected to be cremated and scattered throughout CNN’s break room.
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