After mistakenly thinking all football fans were torch-wielding Black Lives Matter looters, the NFL seems to be correcting course by having Tucker Carlson perform this year’s Super Bowl halftime show.
The decision was made after the NFL saw a marquee game between the Rams and Cowboys lose in the ratings to Animal Planet’s House Cat vs. Laser Pointer.
“This is simple, Tucker gets Super Bowl-type ratings and we have a Super Bowl that needs Tucker Carlson-type ratings,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said. “I hope he does the thing where he goes, ‘Russia!’ Oh man, that would bring the house down.”
Despite the commercials and fifty-foot billboards promoting The Tucker Carlson halftime show, the NFL actually forgot to formally ask the Fox News host.
“What do you mean, ask?!” A puzzled Goodell snapped. “We’re the NFL. I thought we got to pick whoever we wanted. Maroon 5 was never given the chance to decline.”
When finally asked, Carlson was intrigued at the opportunity to infuse the culture with conservative ideas, but the NFL people rejected his idea for a lecture format. Instead, the NFL would prefer to keep the tradition of scantily dressed performers who gyrate around. Update: Tucker has declined, but suggested the NFL ask either Kimberly Guilfoyle or Jesse Watters.