OHIO — Moments after Cincinnati’s Troy Olson finally landed a job offer from Quality Drywall Co., he headed down to his local unemployment office to discontinue his benefits. But, per Biden’s policy, his agent made him a generous counteroffer.
“No way, silly. We won’t lose you to those entitled jerks over at the private sector!” his agent, Brenda, yelled, shaking her fist in the air. “That bunch is just crawling with MAGA people. Plus, what would your cat say if you just abandoned him in these trying times?”
Troy explained that Quality Drywall Co. offered him $55,000 per year, benefits, and self-worth.
Brenda, not understanding how negotiations work in the private sector, countered with $232,000, plus ‘all the vaccine boosters his arm could take.’
“Now, before your raise, let me measure that butt,” Brenda said, grabbing her measuring tape. “Dr. Fauci wants everyone receiving benefits to be healthy, so be sure your butt is expanding at least three inches a week.”
After Troy accepted the unemployment offer, Brenda could tell he was deeply depressed. To cheer him up, she offered him every unemployed democrat’s favorite: the collector’s edition DVDs of all Amy Schumer’s movies.
Update: Troy ended up taking the drywall job and was immediately labeled an insurrectionist by his local unemployment office.
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