WASHINGTON, DC — Fictional President Joe Biden, bitter that Donald Trump brought too many pesky manufacturing jobs back to America, has announced a killer Cyber Monday deal for Xi Jinping.
In a press release titled ‘Make America Second Rate Again’, the Biden administration provided a transcript of the two leaders talking:
“I can’t believe I’m doing this, but you can have 50% off Michelin Tires and Gibson Guitars,” Biden told Xi Jinping.
“No. I want old Obama deal,” Xi Jinping said. “Where you say 50% off, but we just take for free and you look like idiot and world laugh at you.”
“Fine–relax, Jack!” Biden said.
“Oh! And you throw in access for us to spy on American companies!” Xi Jinping demanded. “We low on ideas because stupid Trump made us stop!”
“Now wait a minute, you’re going a bit too—” Biden said before Xi Jinping interrupted him.
“And America pay all stupid Paris Climate Accord fee as we increase our emission!” Xi Jinping snapped.
Biden then explained that shipping more American jobs overseas would be too devastating to the middle class. Next, he said US companies work too hard to have all their intellectual property stolen. And finally, Biden told Xi all countries need to pitch in for a healthier planet.
After Joe’s heartfelt speech, there was a brief silence on the phone before the two men erupted into uncontrollable laughter.
“JUST KIDDING! Could you imagine? Take whatever you want!” Biden yelled, wiping tears from his eyes.
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