WASHINGTON, DC – The free market’s invisible hand is in major trouble after Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez claims it touched her inappropriately.
“It was late, and I was coming home from a fundraiser that hopes to ban the minimum wage. Whenever there’s a minimum found, we would ban it. No one deserves the minimum–only the maximum. Anyways, I was leaning over to get into my Tesla, and I felt it squeeze me right on my butt of color,” AOC said while beginning to cry. “I turned around and only saw Joe Biden. So it must have been the invisible hand of the free market! Socialism would have NEVER touched my ass like that!”
Even though economists are claiming ‘the hand’ is only a metaphor to represent the unseen forces that guide a free market economy, AOC is suing it for ‘forty-eight bazillion dollars.’
With the invisible hand of the free market somehow unable to make bail, House Democrats have no choice but to eliminate the free market altogether.
“The allegations are so horrifying, we need to implement socialism now,” Nancy Pelosi regretfully informed on Monday. “Just for two weeks. Just until we can slow the spread of its terrible groping upon our collective rear ends.”
Update: As the hand awaits trial, prices have become erratic and untethered to free-market forces. Avocadoes are $12,000 each, CNN+ has relaunched with subscriptions starting at $800/month, and Twitter somehow bought Elon Musk for $44 billion.
Give Us Story Ideas