NETWORK, NJ– Desperate to stay off the Fed’s radar, the mob has scrapped the letters ‘AstroTurf Supply & Installation’ off their hideout and renamed it ‘Hunter’s Laptop.’ The storefront is located in Newark’s Westgate Shopping Center and the FBI refuses to come within fifty miles of the new shop.
To show how safe the new business name keeps them; Mickey ‘The Hard Drive’ Stacks provided a demonstration for a CNN reporter by calling the FBI himself.
“Yeah, I’s heard there somma them January 6th Trump supports here,” Mickey said into his cell phone.
“There are? WHERE? You must tell us, now!” the federal agent screamed.
“Sure. Theys by the Westgate Shopping Center. Ya know by the new Hunter’s Laptop location?” he said smiling.
“Oh. There? Well. It really wasn’t an insurrection when you think about it,” said the nervous agent. “I think it’s time to heal and the FBI shouldn’t go anywhere near there,” [click].
Cloaking the hideout under the new store name has been a boon to organized crime, and all the credit goes to President Biden.
“We demand an apology from Republicans who said Joe would return our nation to 1970’s crime levels,” Jen Psaki said. “We are far exceeding the ‘70’s and we’ve only just begun.”
Update: The CNN reporter later asked the mafia leader why, if you’re worried about being seen, did you agree to this televised interview. To which Mickey replied, “Why do you think we only talk to CNN?”
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