WASHINGTON, DC — In a play to prove he’s anything but “Sleepy Joe,” Joe Biden has signed an endorsement deal with 4-Minute Energy. Not only will the fictional president have an extra $2,000 in his pocket, but he is also planning on bringing a 50-pack to his next public appearance so he can let Donald Trump have it.
“Now, here’s the deal. If that bully starts commenting on my…lack of…huh? Waaaa?” Biden tried to say before an aid poured another delicious Citrus-Lime 4-Minute Energy into his mouth. “TRUMP’S A RACIST!” he screamed before blacking out.
For years, the little-known 4-Minute Energy company has struggled with insecurity and depression after rival 5-Hour Energy erupted as the industry leader.
“Yeah, don’t ever bring up those [explicit]–EVER! Sure, they might last longer, but we’ve now got America’s symbol of stamina—Joe [explicit] Biden!” their twitching CEO told The Glorious American as he reflexively pounded another 4-Minute Energy bottle.
After landing the president as spokesman, the whole 4-Minute Energy crew threw an energetic celebration, which lasted around four minutes.
Update: Hunter Biden then arrived and rejuvenated the sluggish company party with another type of energy substance. “WHAT IS THIS [explicit]?!” the CEO screamed while somehow clinging to the wall with his bare hands. “WE GOTTA START USING IT!”
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