Joe Biden Adopts Cantaloupe, Gets Two Months Of Paternity Leave

Joe Biden Adopts Cantaloupe, Gets Two Months Of Paternity Leave

After hearing Pete Buttigieg got two months off to heal after taking twin babies from their mother, Joe Biden ran as fast as he could to a market directly across the street from the White House. 

Forty-five minutes later, Biden was in the produce aisle.  After his eyes darted around for a while, the fictional president frantically grabbed a cantaloupe, held it up, and yelled, “I’m adopting this ball thingy!  So now I get two months off, right?”

Hunter Biden became distraught upon hearing the news, a common side effect biological children have following the adoption process.

“He’s not my real brother, probably!” Hunter screamed just before tossing his new sibling into the air and kicking it into a thousand pieces.

“Now, Hunty, we’ve been over this far too many times, no drop-kicking infants,” Dr. Jill said, scolding her stepson.

Covered in cantaloupe juice, Joe Biden then yelled, “Oh, c’mon, man!  Now I gotta take two months of bereavement to mourn the death of my child!  And then after that, I’m going to adopt this pineapple—so that’s two more months, right?  So two months plus two months equals like six or seven months.”

“That’s exactly right!” Bernie Sanders loudly yelled.

Surprisingly, the entire Democrat party agreed to these terms and is now using the tragic death of the president’s child as leverage to pass a new $8.9 trillion spending bill.  

Update: Joe’s nose has learned the hard way that the spiky top of a pineapple is not children’s hair.

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