MALIBU, CA— It smells like love is in the air.
That’s what Hunter Biden’s neighbors are saying after taking a whiff of his outdoor clothesline. The rumors are that the business-savvy Ukraniain energy expert has nabbed the coveted Amber Heard as his girlfriend.
“Oh, I know that basketball-sized feces stain anywhere, Hunty! You’ve taken the fair hand of Miss Amber Heard, haven’t you?” yelled a Democrat voter to Hunter Biden as she peeked over the fence.
“You’ve got me, Mrs. Harper,” Hunter replied while holding a two-gallon jug of Tide Ultra-Stain Blaster Plus laundry detergent in each hand. “I’m sort of a news junkie on top of being a regular junkie, so I know a good woman when I see one!”
Despite Republicans’ classless mocking of the fictional president’s son (something The Glorious American doesn’t condone), Heard seems to have filled Hunter Biden’s life with meaning, amongst other things.
“Before I met Amber, my life was a mess. Like, a hot coiled mess,” Hunter explained. “But now, living with her, I notice the little things. The little gifts she’ll drop around the house and under the sheets. It lets me know I’m more than just an international money laundering genius working for the big gu—I mean, a painter.”
Update: As a favor, the Smithsonian has agreed to display a painting from Hunter’s new girlfriend. A work of art she’s titled Fajita Night.
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