ORLANDO, FL– If Disney keeps mouthing off, Ron DeSantis will move to deport Aladdin, the governor said Tuesday. “Last summer, I grabbed Disney’s precious tax exemptions like Arthur grabbed the sword in the stone, and I whipped that baby away,” DeSantis told the press. “And if Disney says any more stupid crap, we’ll march right…
Category: Entertainment
Warner Bros. In Hot Water After Scooby-Doo Caught Saying ‘Rigger’ In Hot Mic
BURBANK, CA— After officially deciding to make Scooby-Doo character Velma a lesbian, Warner Bros. was widely celebrated by wide unattractive, single women. But after audio of Scooby-Doo calling someone a “rigger” leaked, the praise quickly ended. “We are aware of the clip involving Mr. Doo, and it is our deepest and most sincere desire for…
Remake Of Psycho To Digitally Replace Killer With Old Lady From Capitol Hill Riot
BURBANK, CA — This Halloween, Paramount Pictures will be rereleasing their 1960’s, hit Psycho. Only this time, they’ve digitally edited out Norman Bates for perhaps the most terrifying villain ever to hit the screen. The 91-year-old insurrectionist, who goes by ‘Meemaw,’ has given many Americans nightmare fuel after slowly shuffling through the Capitol building holding…
'Those Borders Sure Look Secure' Biden Says Of Jurassic Park
WASHINGTON, DC. –As word from the Costa Rica Government continues to detail the herd of bloodthirsty dinosaurs rampaging through Jurassic Park, the Biden administration still refuses to call it a crisis. “We’ve seen the reports, and we’ll continue to monitor the situation, but that theme park is still a beacon of safety and security,” Karine…
Elizabeth Warren Hires Darryl To Teach Her Black People Phrases
CAMBRIDGE, MA — Darryl Philbin, a warehouse manager in Scranton, has been hired by Elizabeth Warren to teach her the slang for black people The Glorious American has learned. According to Warren’s staff, internal polling shows African Americans list only scuba diving and mayonnaise as more terrifying than the Massachusetts Senator. That needs to change,…