Due to the riots, Portland’s annual naked bike ride will now require all cyclists to wear head-to-toe body armor; an event rep announced Tuesday. The decision was made after fully clothed Portland citizens were being stabbed, shot, and burnt to a crisp as they walked through the once-peaceful city (1902). “The most important thing for our…
Category: Sports
Dr. Fauci Throwing Baseball Deemed Twice As Deadly As COVID-19
Much like every proclamation he made about the coronavirus, Dr. Anthony Fauci probably wants a do-over with his Nats-Yankees first pitch. The CDC has now deemed the pitch, which killed two and injured four, twice as deadly as the novel coronavirus. They also mentioned they weren’t surprised he threw to the far left. “I was trying to take…
Dr. Fauci: ‘I Believe The Cleveland Browns Handled The 2019 NFL Season The Best’
Despite the data showing the Cleveland Browns played some of the worst football imaginable last year, Dr. Anthony Fauci made a surprising claim about their performance. “After carefully reviewing the data, I believe the Cleveland Browns handled the 2019 season the best,” Fauci told the media. “It was touch-and-go early, but after the dust settled…
LeBron James Feels Led to Share Message Of McDonald’s 2 For $5 Deal On Back Of Jersey
It was recently announced that the NBA players would be allowed to replace the name on their jersey with a political message. The rules for which phrase would be allowed were simple. First, all of the corporations that pay the NBA must approve of the message. Secondly, it would need to be cleared by the…
Kaepernick Suffers More Oppression As Private Jet Arrives With Cloth Interior
Colin Kaepernick just can’t catch a break. The esteemed civil rights leader was dealt another crippling blow this week when his private jet arrived with cloth interior. Cloth. Not Italian leather. Despite our country spending a century striving to eradicate racism, this latest injustice has the nation starting from square one. “Is this a private…
