Taliban ‘Can’t Even’ As US Military Deploys First All-Gay SEAL Team

Taliban ‘Can’t Even’ As US Military Deploys First All-Gay SEAL Team

AFGHANISTAN–The Taliban has seen its first setback under the Biden administration after top Pentagon officials assume they are taken aback by the US’s commitment to diversity and inclusion.

Joe Biden has insisted the first-ever all-gay SEAL teams conduct the last few counter-terrorism missions in Afghanistan. Unfortunately, the first group thought it would be funny to reenact the gas station scene from Zoolander resulting in mass casualties. The next group thought seals were ugly and demanded to be called the ‘fierce flamingo fighters’. They attempted to infiltrate enemy territory wearing all pink while balancing on one leg. This group was far more successful as they were not killed instantly.

“No, the FFF gals were tortured for nine weeks before being taken out,” Biden cheerfully told the media while eating an ice cream cone. “Killing has been a part of SEAL teams for years, so this is nothing new. We typically want all the death to come from the other side, but we’re seeing tremendous progress.”

Jen Paske is also encouraging the press to look at the bright side. “ISIS is probably like, ‘Whoa! America is so progressive and cool under Biden,” She said. “Should we even do terrorism anymore? Because like we just… can’t even!”

Democrats insist that what the gay SEAL teams lack in strength, experience, and military tactics, they more than make up for with interior design skills.

Even ISIS themselves approve of Biden’s decision.

“We know no greater joy than seeing USA send the loud, colorful lady-men into our land,” read an ISIS statement. “Please keep doing this. We beg you, please no listen to those who like orange man.”

Give Us Story Ideas

Real News Happening Now: