Panic: China Aims Catapult Loaded With January 6th Insurrectionist At D.C.

Panic: China Aims Catapult Loaded With January 6th Insurrectionist At D.C.

Beijing — China has unveiled a game-changing new weapon that has everyone in Washington peeing their pants.

Xi Jinping, who is no longer messing around, has built a medieval-style catapult and has pointed it at our nation’s capital.  Reportedly, he has placed an 83-year-old January 6th insurrectionist in the loading bucket.

“We were hoping it was like a nuclear warhead or something, but it was so much worse!” General Mark ‘Punkin-Spice’ Milley said, weeping loudly.  “Of all the kinds of insurrectionists, why did China have to pick the frail old grandma? That’s the most deadly type!  Is this how I am going to die?!”

As many expected, Joe Biden ordered the United States military to wave the large white flag as a show of surrender. 

“But sir, that might not have the impact we’d hope for because the white flag is still up from the last time you surrendered.  Remember? We raised it after that Baltimore McDonald’s told us their McFlurry machine was broken,” Milley informed.

Soon Joe Biden was giving a live address to the American people.

“Operation Meemaw is underway.  We have only hours,” he said, holding a Jack Daniel’s bottle and wearing an open robe.  “I feel very strongly about two things:  One, I feel there’s a major draft in here.  And two, you should call your loved ones.  Do the things you’ve always wanted to do.  That’s why I’ll be calling Macaulay Culkin right after we’re done here.”

Update:  The crew at Mar-a-Lago intercepted Meemaw, and she was treated to a fantastic lunch with Donald Trump.

Give Us Story Ideas

Real News Happening Now: