NEW YORK, NY – If you want the F.B.I. to zero in on you the way Rosie O’Donnell stares at a Cinnabon, then make a bunch of pro-America and anti-crime social media posts.
However, many Americans have learned if you want to get off the F.B.I.’s radar, just embed yourself in pro-terrorism rallies. And that’s exactly what conservative Josh Tibbits of Buffalo, NY, did this week.
“Hurray for.. uhhh.. terrorists,” Josh sheepishly yelled at a pro-Palestine rally at N.Y.U. “If there’s one thing I hate, it’s…peace.”
Soon, using a combination of facial recognition and cellphone geo-tracking, the F.B.I. enthusiastically removed Tibbits off their terror watch list and placed him on the little-known Sincerely Honorable, Embracing Equity & Peace list, or S.H.E.E.P.
“I’m ashamed I yelled those horrible things, but I’m back in good standing with our intelligence agencies, so that’s good, I guess,” Josh said. “I didn’t expect to come home and find a gift basket from the F.B.I. on my doorstep, though.”
Naturally, the gift basket contained the items any good police state wants to promote.
“I don’t need a Ziploc bag packed with weed. I don’t need a $5,000 gift subscription to PornHub,” a dejected Josh said, going through the basket. “I certainly don’t need this large novelty Pfizer syringe signed by each member of The Squad.”
Update: Disgusted with himself, Josh Tibbits decided he no longer wanted to be in the good graces of the F.B.I., so he wrote, “2nd graders shouldn’t be shown graphic pornography in schools” on Facebook. He was immediately placed back on the terror watch list.
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