WASHINGTON, DC— Nancy Pelosi’s cleavage has frightened the
geopolitical landscape, and Beijing leaders are particularly rattled.
Due to Pelosi’s bewildering figure, its been learned her heart is preoccupied with pumping to other areas of her body, and her brain is languishing without oxygen. But the busty alcoholic is still clever enough to search the globe for tech stock tips for her husband. This time, she’s planning to visit Taiwan.
“We’re advising Nancy to stay away from Taiwan. There are happy hours in other nations,” a US official said. “Plus, we’re waiting on a geological survey to see if the island can even support them—I mean, her.”
Xi Jinping is also warning against the visit.
“We saw Speaker at beach–Our eyes left burned!” Xi yelled in broken English. “We tell NATO, she put on sweater or war crime! We shoot them both dead!”
China made a last-ditch effort to thwart Nancy from wearing a low-cut shirt by reopening the Beluga whale hunting season during her visit, but nevertheless, she persisted and still plans to attend dressed like a $4 hooker.
Update: What’s being called ‘Operation Godzillas’ China hopes to contain the Speaker by constructing a thirty-meter tall and 50,000-volt electrified fence along the beaches.
[Article idea & headline submitted by Winston]
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