MINNEAPOLIS, MN — What proved to be a successful pilot program over the summer, Target stores are pleased to roll out their new ‘Democrat only’ self-checkout lines nationwide. The large retail store boasts the new line will be a handy way for loyal Democrats to simply sprint out of the building without the tedious and racist process of paying for items.
Target has confirmed the move will be revenue neutral, as all non-democrat shoppers will receive massive price hikes on all products.
“We think this is the wokest thing any corporation has ever done so that means it’s the smartest thing ever done. It’s science,” CEO, Brian Cornell explained. “The media hasn’t called us racist for over nine minutes, so the ROI on this project is off the charts.”
To accommodate their ultra-valuable Democrat shoppers, Target stores will be driving Nissan Sentras through the wall to provide large gaping holes at each location. This will provide easy access to their vehicles should another unarmed gunman be killed by police while shooting at them.
Despite the good press, much of the media is now calling Target racist for not personally delivering the goods straight to Democrats’ homes. CEO, Brian Cornell has been forced to resign and apologize but hopes to get back in the good graces of the leftist mob after he does a lot of listening and learning.
Update: Nope. They’re still mad at him.
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