WASHINGTON, DC — We all remember the first family agreeing to let Ukrainian oil and gas expert Hunter Biden decorate the White House last winter. But now, many secret service agents are questioning Hunter’s ‘winter wonderland’ theme.
“We’re pretty sure he found a way to store over eight hundred pounds of crack cocaine all over the White House,” an agent said. “I’m now remembering Hunter screaming at the kids for walking through the fake snow as he constantly pushed his hair back and rubbed his teeth.”
Many are asking how officials could accidentally let mountains of drugs into such a secure area.
“They’re Bidens!” an agent said defensively. “They’re basically masterminds of deception. Remember how shrewdly Joe hid his blackmail against the Ukrainian prosecutor? Or how well Hunter kept tabs on his laptop? Their brains are just smarter than the rest of ours.”
Karine Jean-Pierre addressed the scandal during Monday’s press conference.
“The Biden’s love snow—right? So, uhh. When you love snow that much, you might love things that look like snow—right?” She said awkwardly. “And frankly, a reporter asking about eight hundred pounds of uncut Nicaraguan cocaine covering the floors of the White House is irresponsible. Just a naked act of irresponsibility on your part.”
Update: Joe has agreed to allow Hunter to decorate the White House for National Pancake Day in his classic ‘enriched white flower’ theme.
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