NORTH POLE — When it comes to the so-called “insurrection”, most adults have clearly seen the footage of police and FBI agents signaling protestors into the Capitol building like a third-base coach waving the runner home.
But as silly as it seems, there are actually still Americans who believe in January 6th. And Santa Claus has no time for such childish things.
“It’s like, grow the f*** up already,” Santa said on a recent CNN appearance. “The most heavily armed group of people in America gather for an insurrection and forget to bring guns? You can’t seriously still believe in that s***.”
Santa’s comments were so blunt host Anderson Cooper shrieked like an 8-year-old girl and fell over in his chair.
“Claus, first let me remind you… you’re white. Also, you’re ignoring the facts!” Cooper snapped after regaining his seat. “The rabid insurrections came up from Alabama after fashioning a noose in Bubba Wallace’s garage. Then, it was a quick jaunt over to MAGA country to attack Jesse Smollett and then finally to the Capitol to overthrow the nation. The police eventually stopped them, but not before their leader, Kyle Rittenhouse killed over a dozen black Senators.”
“It’s like…you idiots live in your own fantasy land,” Santa sighed. “Now tell me what you want for Christmas so I can get outta here.”
“The FBI told us if any people at CNN get what their inner hearts truly desire, we’ll go to prison for a long time,” Cooper said, hanging his head.
“Gross! What the hell is wrong with everyone at this network!” Santa yelled, ripping his earpiece off.
Update: While leaving the studio, Santa yelled, “Hey! How’d you get down here!” and took Brian Stelter back to the North Pole.
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