In a stunning compromise, the GOP has surrendered America’s right to bear arms for a chance to remain on Twitter and Facebook. President Trump inked the deal on Wednesday and all guns will be rounded up early next week.
“Yeah, I mean… sometimes you have to take the best deal on the table,” remarked President Trump. “I know I’m going to get some blowback on this, but I spend several hours a day on Twitter and hardly any time shooting someone.”
Not only are conservatives livid with their party, but many Republicans also embarrassed themselves during the day’s hearings. At one point New York Congressman, Peter King held up a toaster oven and demanded that Mark Zuckerberg explain why it wouldn’t print.
The humiliation peaked when Steve Scalise returned to his seat following a break, and Apple’s Tim Cook quickly pulled the chair out from under him. As Scalise fell to the floor, Cook yelled, “That was just a glitch! Nothing purposeful– I’m sure you all understand.”
Once the ink was dry on the disastrous bill, @SenateGOP tweeted “OK Folks! We’re here on twitter for good!” but Twitter quickly deleted the tweet. “We said for the CHANCE to remain on social media,” said Twitter CEO, Jack Dorsey.