James Comey’s parents, Joan and Brian were delighted to learn Inspector General, Michael Horowitz had officially recognized their baby boy’s terrific work.
“Would you look at that,” Brian Comey said in awe as he taped the IG report to the refrigerator. “Only 17 egregious errors. This is some of Jim’s best work.”
As Joan also admired the report she began to tear up. “Jimmy was always a quick learner,” she explained as her husband put his arm around her. “Look here. It says that Jimmy only falsified evidence three times and then he learned to stop doing that.”
While Mr. and Mrs. Comey are beaming with pride about the report, critics argue that the former FBI director was running a rogue and lawless rampage over both the President and the people who elected him.
“Oh, poppycock!” Joan yelled stomping her foot. “My Jimmy would never do that! And if my Jimmy did accidentally run a criminal organization against the President, it was probably because his tummy was hurting!”
His parents were then shown the portion of the IG Report that detailed how their son would begin each day at the FBI by huddling the agents around and chant: “ONE, TWO, THREE—THE ENDS JUSTIFY THE MEANS!”
“Oh, that’s James alright,” said his father. “You can’t blame the kid for being a sports nut, can you?”
Just then the phone rang and it was Jim.
“Oh thank goodness it’s you, Jimmy,” his mother said. “There’s an awful man here from The Glorious American and he’s saying you did some bad things as FBI director.”
After a short pause, she said, “Yes! I did tell him exactly that! You probably had a tummy ache!”