SACRAMENTO, CA — Effective immediately, Gavin Newsom has ordered the book How The Grinch Stole Christmas be moved to the how-to section of all California libraries and bookstores.
“After reading this instructional manual, the science is clear. This furry, green man has laid out a step-by-step plan we must follow,” Newsom said in a press conference. “Using delightful rhymes, he abolished the super spreader event in just one night. No legislation necessary.”
“Moving forward, all California holidays will carefully follow this how-to manual,” Newsom explained.
“I will play the role of the Grinch, and the police will be Max, the pathetic yet obedient dog,” he explained.
The press conference was then interrupted by a local business owner who told Newsom he had better stop being a tyrant or else he would ‘open up a can of who-hash on his ass’.
“Looks like we’ve got a Cindy Lou Who at 10 o’clock. Get ‘em, Max!” Newsom instructed the police.
Update: After a reporter informed Newsom about the Grinch’s change of heart at the end of the book, the governor responded with, “The last three pages of the book shall be removed and burned!”
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