New Voting Machines To Provide Small Flesh Wound When Selecting ‘Democrat’ So You Know What Getting Shot Feels Like

New Voting Machines To Provide Small Flesh Wound When Selecting ‘Democrat’ So You Know What Getting Shot Feels Like

MILWAUKEE, WI– Some exciting new ballot receiving machines are set to hit your local voting station for the midterm elections. The newest feature is a small, but helpful flesh wound for any voter who selects a democrat.

“We felt obligated to remind voters what it means to vote for democrats,” said the inventor of the CovfefeCount5000. “We’re providing a great service. Some newer models will even rob the voter and call them a racist.”

“I always hear that democrats care about regular guys like me,” a voter said after using the new machine. “So I selected my local democrat and the screen asked me, ‘ARE YOU SURE?’ I pressed ‘continue,’ and then suddenly I heard a small explosion and my left thigh started to feel warm. I was bleeding. Damn, that hurt. It was like a glimpse into the future had I voted for that Democrat. So I switched my vote to the republican.”

Update: Because of these innovations, CovfefeCount5000 Inc. is set to replace many Dominion voting machines throughout the nation. Furious about losing so many contracts, Dominion Inc. released the following statement:

“Total bull [explicit]! People have no idea how hard Dominion works on election nights! Well, actually about 41% of people know. But anyway, sure their machine can deliver a wound, but our system can connect to Venezuela and provide results in about a week assuming payment clears.”


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