SANTA MONICA, CA– On Saturday Santa Monica swimmer, Doug Patterson was eaten alive by a great white shark. Thankfully, California officials have confirmed that the 21-foot shark’s interactions with Patterson were mostly peaceful.
“After consulting with marine biologists, we learned this shark went roughly eleven years of its life not devouring Doug Patterson, and then after wolfing him down, the beast hasn’t done it since,” Governor Gavin Newsome told the press. “Because of science and data, that means this shark spent over 99% of his life being mostly peaceful. This shark is not a danger. Nay, this shark is a hero.”
In the report, California officials are also leaving the possibility open that the shark was provoked by Doug’s “insistence on being a white male.” However, many within the government believe this attack may have occurred because word leaked that ‘great white shark’ would soon be renamed to “mediocre pale fish of privilege,” thus angering the white shark community.
Update: Doug Patterson’s loved ones tried to gather for his memorial service but thousands of protesters clogged the Los Angeles streets making them very late for the funeral. When they finally arrived, city officials canceled the service citing social distancing.
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