BROOKLYN, NY — On Monday the Alphabet People got a little too greedy and destroyed their entire movement by accidentally adding an “S” to include straight people
“Well, dingleberries!” a flustered Anderson Cooper yelled on his CNN show, Cooper? Yuck, I Hardly Know Her. “I apologize for cursing just then, but we got carried away and wrecked the whole thing, didn’t we? Now we need to share our victimhood status with those wretched baby-makers!”
To make matters worse, the straights were added hours before the annual LGBTQ awards banquet, giving plenty of prominent heterosexuals time to attend.
Among those who arrived were Sean Hannity, Dave Chappell, Alex Jones, Adam Carolla, and Donald Trump.
“What, no McDonald’s? I feel marginalized!” Trump yelled, forcing servants to scurry to get his fast food lest they be charged with a hate crime.
Throughout the banquet, the straights ruffled many feathers, particularly those wearing feathers.
Soon it was agreed that Don Lemon would ask them to keep it down.
“You awful men need to straighten up!” Lemon snapped, which was met with loud gasps.
“YOU JUST MADE ‘STRAIGHT’ A PEJORATIVE YOU DEMON CREATURE!” Alex Jones screamed as he began ripping his clothes off.
But the always-levelheaded Joe Rogan calmed things down by explaining he was ‘an ass man’ while giving Lemon a noogie.
The evening concluded with Hannity asking if anyone wanted to ‘throw the ol’ pigskin around in the parking lot’.”
Over 250 gay men aggressively raised their hands until they found out Sean was talking about football.
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