WASHINGTON, D.C.–A bit of embarrassing news for House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was leaked over the weekend. A document from a DC court showed a judge has ordered a breathalyzer to be installed on Pelosi’s gavel and that she must be ‘somewhat sober’ before she can operate it again.
Details show the judge was sympathetic to the fact that Speaker Pelosi has not been sober for well over three decades, and holding her to the ‘legal limit’ would cause Congress to grind to an abrupt and unending stop. So the judge has allowed the breathalyzer device to be set to the little-known “Silverback Gorilla” setting. A setting that helps zookeepers know when large doses of sedatives have taken the proper effect on massive beasts.
At one point in the document, Pelosi’s lawyer told the judge that ‘a gorilla might be trained to blow [into the device], but there is ‘no way in hell we can get Nancy to do it’.
“She weighs 83lbs.!” the judge replied. “You’re saying she can’t get sober enough to run congress even if we judge her against the body-mass-index of a [explicit] gorilla?!”
Despite the fight, Pelosi and team put up (and yes, at one point Nancy did literally charge the judge and try to claw his face off) the judge ordered the breathalyzer be attached to the gavel with a one-foot long chain.
Update: As soon as Pelosi approached her podium, she refused to blow into the breathalyzer and instead began twirling the device around like nunchucks. “Alright, anyone wanna vote against the majority?!” she screamed before striking Jerry Nadler to show Republicans she meant business.
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